“Why Do Neurotypicals Hate Me?”
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why do neurotypicals hate me?”, you’re not alone. Many of us autistics have asked ourselves the same question throughout our lives without getting an answer.
It can be very painful and confusing when you’re getting along with a neurotypical person one minute, and they’re yelling at you the next.
Many autistic people have endured sudden loss of friendships, relationships, family connections and have been fired from jobs for seemingly “no reason”, but nobody will tell them what they did wrong.
I’m currently writing a book called, Why Neurotypical People Are Always Mad at You – An Essential Guide for Autistics where I explain what’s happening from the neurotypical perspective.
Alright, let’s get down to it. Why do neurotypicals hate you?
It Might Not Be Outright Hatred
Many neurotypical people appear to outright hate autistic people for no reason when, in actuality, their feelings are a bit more complex than that.
According to a study published in 2021, it has been shown that neurotypical people dislike autistic people on sight. This is a hard truth, but it still doesn’t equate to boiling hatred.
Instead, it starts out as instant discomfort because our way of speaking, our intentions, and our mannerisms look foreign to the neurotypical person immediately. They also trigger an automatic and uncontrollable feeling in their nervous systems that sends danger signals to the brain. Over time, this can grow to severe dislike or even hate, but it rarely starts out that way.
It starts out as instant discomfort because our way of speaking, our intentions, and our mannerisms look foreign to the neurotypical person immediately.
Jaime A. Heidel – The Articulate Autistic
Neurotypical people misunderstand us all the time, which can make friendships difficult if not impossible between both neurotypes.
Below, I address 10 reasons neurotypical people dislike you from their perspective. Also, please understand I am not encouraging you to change who you are, I’m offering you insight into the neurotypical brain.
- Instead of acknowledging a neurotypical person’s emotions, you offer solutions right away.
Overview:
I used to do this all the time. Someone would tell me their problems, and I immediately tried to fix them by offering solutions.
Why this bothers neurotypical people:
Neurotypical people often vent their frustrations with the hope the other person will listen and acknowledge their emotional state.
While some neurotypical people may appreciate a suggestion down the line, if someone offers a solution right away, it skips over the validation part of the conversation.
Neurotypical people need to have their emotions validated before ever being receptive to solutions.
Furthermore, when you offer solutions when they aren’t asked for, it makes the neurotypical person think you believe they can’t handle their problems on their own, and this makes them feel small.
- Instead of acknowledging a neurotypical person’s emotions, you break in with a similar story about yourself.
Overview:
Autistic people often show empathy and care by sharing similar stories to the hardship the neurotypical person is facing. Our intention is to show them that they’re not alone and that we understand what they’re going through.
Why this bothers neurotypical people:
When an autistic person responds with a personal story similar to that of their neurotypical conversation partner, the neurotypical person doesn’t feel heard or cared for because their feelings aren’t acknowledged.
Instead, you’re offering your brand of empathy by sharing a similar story, but it comes across to the neurotypical listener that you’re trying to turn the conversation back around to yourself.
- You forget to ask neurotypical people how they’re doing.
Overview:
When an autistic person wants to tell another autistic person how they’re doing, they’ll just say it outright.
Why this bothers neurotypical people:
Neurotypical people need to be asked how they’re doing. They need prompting from the other person because it feels rude to them to bring up what’s going on in their lives without being given space to do so. Therefore, if you don’t periodically check on how they’re doing, they will feel you don’t care, and the friendship won’t last.
- Your direct way of speaking comes across as aggression.
Overview:
For autistic people, direct speech is just that; a way to communicate efficiently. No small talk, no preamble, just a direct statement about what’s going on or what they need.
Why this bothers neurotypical people:
Neurotypical people often have an involuntary fight-or-flight response to direct speech that they’re often not even aware of. To them, direct speech from others sends a signal to their brain that they may be in danger. When a neurotypical person wants to communicate information or ask for something they need, they start with small talk and then give the information or ask for the favor, which is far less jarring on the neurotypical nervous system.
Neurotypical people often have an involuntary fight-or-flight response to direct speech that they’re often not even aware of.
Jaime A. Heidel – The Articulate Autistic
- You’re unaware a neurotypical person is indicating their needs because they are subtle about them, not direct.
Overview:
Not only are autistic people direct communicators, we also need others to be direct with us to understand what they want. Since most autistic people are unable to pick up on these subtle signals, they go right over our heads.
Why this bothers neurotypical people:
Since neurotypical people find direct speech intolerable to their nervous systems, they give hints in their words, mannerisms, body language, and facial expressions to indicate their needs instead.
If the autistic person doesn’t respond to any of these hints (again, because their brains don’t pick up on them), it can make the neurotypical person see the autistic person as uncaring because they don’t prompt them to share feelings and experiences.
- You correct inaccurate information when the neurotypical person is speaking.
Overview:
When a neurotypical person is relaying a story, we autistics often point out conflicting information and inaccuracies. This is because, when we don’t have those details, we feel completely disconnected from the conversation.
Why this bothers neurotypical people:
Neurotypical people are far less concerned with the accuracy of a story than they are relaying their feelings and experiencing connection with others. Their goal is acknowledgement and camaraderie, not perfection.
When an autistic person interrupts with questions or statements about inaccurate information, it makes the neurotypical person lose their train of thought, as well as their feelings of connection, which makes them feel small, foolish, and hurt.
- When the neurotypical person tells you that you’ve hurt their feelings, you respond with immediate explanations.
Overview:
I did this up until my 30s. So many times, especially in my childhood, I would be accused of something, it would hit me like a punch to the gut, and I would immediately explain myself because hurting someone’s feelings was not my intention at all!
My intention was to repair the relationship by explaining my true intentions, which I thought would fix the problem. Like the neurotypical person would receive it as, “Oh, she didn’t mean to do it, therefore, it doesn’t bother me anymore.”
This is not how neurotypical people operate.
Why this bothers neurotypical people:
Intent versus impact was something I had to learn about, and I was against it for a long time. I actually find those words triggering because even though I heard them, I never understood them, and nobody would explain to me what they meant.
Neurotypical people, in their moment of being hurt or offended, do not care about explanations. They need to have their feelings acknowledged and receive an apology to repair the relationship before explanations are even allowed to be part of the picture.
Neurotypical people, in their moment of being hurt or offended, do not care about explanations.
For neurotypical people, having explanations launched their way feels as uncomfortable to them as someone trying to ask us questions during a meltdown is for us.
- You don’t realize that statements from the neurotypical person may actually be requests.
Overview:
If one autistic person wants another autistic person to do something, they’ll just ask. “Hey, can you get me a soda out of the fridge? I’m thirsty.” No fuss, no muss.
Why this bothers neurotypical people:
As you now know, being direct is almost physically painful for neurotypical people. Therefore, they may make statements designed to indicate their needs instead of voicing them outright. To the literal autistic mind, these statements land as statements, not requests.
Therefore, they interpret this lack of awareness as consistently ignoring their needs.
Let’s do some translating:
What the NT person says:
“Brrr. It’s cold in here!”
What the NT person means:
“Please turn up the heat or get me a blanket.”
What the NT person says:
“Are you hungry?”
What the NT person means:
“I’m hungry, and I want to get something to eat.”
What the NT person says:
“The dishwasher is done.”
What the NT person means:
“Take the dishes out of the dishwasher and put them away.”
What the NT person says:
“The laundry needs folding.”
What the NT person means:
“Fold the laundry.”
What the NT person says:
“The trash is starting to stink.”
What the NT person means:
“Take out the trash.”
- You have strong and deep emotional reactions.
Overview:
Autistic people feel emotions very deeply, even if those emotions are not our own. Therefore, when a friend tells them they’re going through a rough time, the autistic person may react as though they’re going through it themselves.
Why this bothers neurotypical people:
For autistic people, crying and sobbing while saying things such as, “That’s devastating! I’m so sorry. I can’t believe this is happening to you! What can I do??” while a genuine response on the part of the autistic person, these reactions can read as dramatic and self-serving.
As though the autistic is making it all about them and, on top of that, demanding comfort for themselves, which only adds more to the neurotypical person’s already-full emotional plate.
- You read and respond to another’s feelings before they’re ready to deal with them.
Overview:
Many autistic people, far from being unempathetic, are actually hyperempathetic! This and our pattern recognition make us sometimes aware of and respond to a person’s emotional state before they’ve had a chance to even realize that’s what they’re feeling!
Why this bothers neurotypical people:
When an autistic person does this, the neurotypical person may be confused because, on the surface, they don’t feel that way. It hasn’t hit them yet. Or, if they are aware of their feelings, an autistic person pointing them out before they’ve even had a chance to sit with them can make the neurotypical person feel as exposed as standing nude on a busy street.
They’re not ready to process whatever it is we are sensing from them, and when we point it out or try to fix it before they’ve even thought it through, it makes them feel as though they’re losing control of their own narrative.
The Takeaway
Neurotypical and autistic people experience the world and navigate social situations much differently from one another. This can cause frequent misunderstandings and arguments due to what is known as the Double Empathy Problem.
Neither neurotype may be intentionally trying to offend the other because they hate them, but because they don’t understand them.
I hope this article helped you better understand the minds and needs of neurotypical people and why they respond to you the way that they do, because even the knowledge itself can help reduce conflict between the neurotypes.
