The Guileless Stalker – How to Understand and Handle an Autistic Person Seeking Closure
A few years ago, I did a consultation with an autistic man who had suddenly been rebuffed by a woman who was once interested in him, and he had no idea why.
He kept contacting her over and over, but he didn’t understand that it was having the exact opposite effect. She was afraid of him, but he wasn’t aware of it.
He was stalking her, and he had no idea.
Why Do Some Autistic People Come Across as Stalkers?
Some autistic people can come across as stalkers, but that’s often not their intention. A predatory stalker knows full well what they’re doing. They are intent on mentally or physically harming another person; that’s their goal.
When it comes to some autistic people, however, their behavior may come across as stalking, but that’s the exact opposite of their intention.*
* Can autistic people be predatory stalkers? Yes. But that’s not the type I’m focusing on in this article.
Here are some reasons an autistic person may present with what looks like stalking behavior:
Inability to read social cues
Since neurotypical people rely primarily on non-verbal communication, they may not realize that an autistic person is unable to understand these cues.
For example, you, the neurotypical person, may signal that you’re bored, uninterested, or even uncomfortable, but you’re still talking with them, so they think everything seems fine on their end. During the conversation, the autistic person will focus on your words and take them literally; all other communication will be missed.
During the conversation, the autistic person will focus on your words and take them literally; all other communication will be missed.
Jaime A. Heidel – The Articulate Autistic
You interpret this as the person purposefully disrespecting your boundaries, but on their end, no boundaries are visible!
Becoming fixated on one person exclusively
Many autistic people have intense interests. Unlike neurotypical people, who have polytropic brains (they can focus on many things at once), autistic people have monotropic brains (they focus best on one thing at a time, and they dive very deeply into it).
This same intense interest can also be directed at a person.
Especially if that person was kind, caring, and offered them friendship or a romantic relationship before suddenly withdrawing it.
Again, many autistic people have a difficult time reading neurotypical social cues and subtlety, which means that although you may have been withdrawing your attention for a while, they don’t pick up on it until you’ve yelled at or ghosted them. You’ve been in this for a while, but they’re only just realizing there’s a problem.
This is why a loss of a relationship feels so out of nowhere for the autistic person.
This is why a loss of a relationship feels so out of nowhere for the autistic person.
Jaime A. Heidel – The Articulate Autistic
Hurt feelings from sudden abandonment
An autistic person often feels the relationship ended out of nowhere, even if you’ve been giving signs for months. You’ve stopped hanging out, you gave excuses to get off the phone, you replied to their texts in one-word answers before stopping completely, yet they still act as though the relationship hasn’t changed.
Because for them, it hasn’t.
It’s only when you confront them that they realize you no longer want to be friends. The realization happens right in that moment, even though you’ve been withdrawing from them for months.
This is why it feels so out of the blue. It’s as though an autistic person was walking down the street on a sunny day, and all of a sudden, they fall into an uncovered manhole and break both legs.
For them, it feels like emotional whiplash.
Their feelings remain the same regardless of how much time has passed
While neurotypical people need friendship maintenance to reconnect and keep their relationships close, autistic people often don’t need to do this.
They may not call or text for weeks or months at a time, and you may think they’ve finally “gotten the hint” when what’s really happening for them is that they don’t realize how much time has gone by, and their feelings remain static while the neurotypical person’s feelings fade.
And this is with any relationship. Our feelings are static; they don’t need maintenance. This is why an autistic person who hasn’t seen you in a year might pick up right where they left off with you, with the same excitement and familiarity.
Need for closure
As I mentioned earlier in the article, autistic people see a friendship or a relationship ending overnight (because they couldn’t read the non-verbal indications that it was ending); the bottom drops out so fast, and the feelings are so painful that they develop an almost desperate need for closure.
“What happened?”
“How could this person just disappear?”
“I thought everything was fine.”
These thoughts go around and around in their heads, which is why you may get lengthy texts, emails, or letters from them, pouring their heart out and asking what happened. They may call you 15 times a day to try to get the closure they need. They may even show up at your doorstep begging for an explanation.
None of this is OK, and your feelings of anger, frustration, and fear are totally valid.
However, sometimes the extremely intense, out-of-nowhere emotions come from what they believe happened overnight.
Furthermore, since many autistic people struggle to make social connections, it can be especially painful when the one friend they did have disappears.
I Have Unintentionally Stalked People
When I was in high school, I lost who I thought were friends left and right. One day, everything was fine; the next, they wanted nothing to do with me.
And it wasn’t just that they didn’t want to hang out with me anymore; within 24 hours, they went from being friendly with me to yelling at me, bullying me, and telling me off. There was actual hatred coming off of them in waves.
Like many autistic people, if there were non-verbal cues or even verbal cues, I didn’t pick up on their tone or meaning. They weren’t clear enough with me, so even their words went right over my head.
For example:
“You always call me ‘honey’ or ‘sweetie’.”
Not
“Stop calling me ‘honey’ and ‘sweetie’ because I don’t like it. It makes me uncomfortable. Use my name.”
The first one, to my autistic brain, sounds like a statement, not a subtle request to stop the behavior. The second one, however, sounds like a clear explanation of boundaries that I would have understood.
When they stopped talking to me, I would go out of my way to ask them what I did wrong, but they didn’t explain. I even wrote letters and passed them to both girls when I saw them in the hallway. I remember saying, “Please just explain.”
Eventually, they went to the guidance counselor and said I was stalking them. When I heard this, I burst into tears. Not only did they stop being my friend out of the blue, but now they were accusing me of being a stalker! The guidance counselor had to explain why they didn’t want to talk to me anymore, and explicitly told me to stay away from them.
An Autistic Person is Stalking Me, What Do I Do?
“Great, so an autistic person is unintentionally stalking me. How do I deal with it?”
First and foremost, if you’re in fear for your safety, no matter what the neurodivergent person’s reasoning is, contact the police. Just because an autistic person isn’t aware of how they’re coming across, it doesn’t mean it’s not impacting you. Never put your safety or your life at risk. Prioritize yourself.
If you’re not in fear for your safety, follow these tips:
Be very clear about your boundaries
Giving hints, slowly withdrawing attention, or ghosting will sometimes trigger an autistic person to reach out that much more because they don’t understand what happened, and they feel they can’t move on unless they do.
What you need to do is be very firm, literal, and direct. Instead of, “Oh, maybe we shouldn’t hang out anymore,” Say, “Steve, I need you to stop contacting me. No more texts, phone calls, letters, emails, or stopping by my house. Our friendship is over. If you continue to contact me without my consent, that is stalking, and I’m going to get the police involved.”
Give closure if you can
Receiving closure is incredibly important to many autistic people. Suddenly, you’re just gone, and they have no idea what they did to upset you. Many autistic people also seek answers to avoid making similar social mistakes in the future.
Many autistic people also seek answers to avoid making similar social mistakes in the future.
Jaime A. Heidel – The Articulate Autistic
While you don’t owe them anything, if it feels safe and you’re willing, be clear and direct about why the friendship is ending. It may seem like you’re being rude, but for so many autistic people, this is vital information delivered in a way they can understand.
“Steve, the reason we’re not friends anymore is because you’re too clingy. You always want to hang out, you get annoyed when I spend time with my other friends, and you’re really rude to my boyfriend. Plus, you hucked my cat across the room at my birthday party!”
Here’s what’s going to happen after this: Your autistic friend will most likely try to explain themselves. This is not them trying to shift blame or garner your sympathy; they’re taking your words literally, and they really believe this is all just a big misunderstanding.
“Anna, I can stop calling and texting you all the time. I didn’t realize I seemed annoyed at you hanging out with your other friends. I had no idea I was rude to your boyfriend. What did he say? And the cat thing only happened because she bit me and drew blood. She landed on her feet.”
Again, this is literal thinking. Everything you’ve proposed seems to open a path to negotiation for them instead of coming across as a firm “No.” You may say something like, “You always give my boyfriend dirty looks”, and he may say, “Oh. That’s just my face. That’s just my demeanor.”
Autistic people are compelled to explain; they aren’t trying to make excuses. They may, however, think that if they can explain their true intentions, your friendship might have a chance at surviving.
I used to think the same thing. I believed all I needed to do was explain, and everything would be alright. I could never understand why it only made things worse.
I believed all I needed to do was explain, and everything would be alright. I could never understand why it only made things worse.
Jaime A. Heidel – The Articulate Autistic
Stay clear.
“This is why we stopped being friends. Maybe you didn’t mean to do it, but I’m uncomfortable around you now. Nothing you can do or explain will change that. Our friendship is over.”
Make yourself scarce
If you can avoid the autistic person who’s having trouble understanding your boundaries, avoid them.
Seeing you may keep them ruminating about the sudden end of your friendship. If you can’t avoid them (say, you work with them or they’re your neighbor), don’t give an inch. Don’t speak to or acknowledge them.
If you feel you have to say something, reiterate what you already said.
“Our friendship is over, and I told you not to talk to me anymore. You’re coming across as a stalker. Stop.”
Protect yourself
Just because an autistic person unintentionally stalks you at first doesn’t mean it can’t escalate to predatory stalking. It does happen.
That’s why it’s important, just in case, to invest in a few things to protect yourself.
Depending on your situation, you may want to install security cameras and/or carry a personal alarm and pepper spray.
It’s always better to be safe than sorry.
Document everything
If, after you’ve been firm and clear about your boundaries and you’ve explained your reasoning, the behavior doesn’t stop or it escalates, do not engage with this person, but document everything: how many times they call, text, show up at places you frequent, or come to your house.
Again, do not engage.
The Takeaway
Oftentimes, what comes across as stalking behavior is born of confusion, hurt, and a strong need for closure for the autistic person.
They may not be able to read your subtle hints that a friendship is ending, so you have to be firm and direct.
If you feel you can explain what they did wrong without the situation escalating, do that. I advise doing it by text or email.
Frequently, an autistic person who is unintentionally coming across as a stalker will back off once they understand why the friendship is over.
