Why Many Autistic and Otherwise Neurodivergent People Explain Things in Analogies
Very rarely can I explain anything without using an analogy. It’s the way I speak and communicate, and it’s as natural to me as breathing. I literally know no other way to communicate what I perceive as complicated or multi-layered information (which is most things, if I’m honest). It’s how I understand the world and how I help others understand it. In fact, it’s what I do almost every single time I write a blog.
However, my analogies, like many neurodivergent ways of communicating information, have often been misconstrued. See, I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. Words have literal weight and meaning to me. Unfortunately, this is not how the majority of the neurotypical world communicates. There are nuances and tones and subtleties that are still lost on me and probably always will be.
Analogies are my bridge. I don’t know when I discovered how to use them, but I bet it was at some point in my confusing and frustrating childhood where I was just like, “When I hear this noise, it’s like someone took an ice pick and shoved it into my ear” or something of the sort. I just remember a look of dawning comprehension appear on someone’s face once, and it was the first time I was ever understood, so I’ve been using analogies ever since.
Usually, they work well. But, as I said, sometimes they are misconstrued.
Here are the most common misunderstandings around my use of analogies:
- Insensitive
My analogies have been seen as insensitive because I have used one group of people to help others understand another group of people. For example, I’ve said on multiple occasions, “Not understanding jokes or sarcasm is just like being in a wheelchair without the use of one’s legs. Nobody would ever get upset with the wheelchair user for not getting up and walking up a flight of stairs, but it’s perfectly socially acceptable to get upset with someone who doesn’t understand jokes or sarcasm and expect them to change.”
My point is, one disability (or difference) is visible, the other is not, but both are 100% valid and should be treated as such.
Unfortunately, some have seen this analogy as insensitive. I don’t understand why, and I don’t think I ever will. People have tried to explain to me why this would be insensitive, but I don’t understand, and I’ll never stop making comparisons like this unless someone can explain it in a way I can understand.
Also, it’s usually not wheelchair users (or blind or deaf people) who get upset about this, and it’s pretty rare that anyone does, so I will continue because it’s so helpful and useful for getting people to understand that I feel the “social risk” is worth it.
- Unrelated
I’ve also had people get hung up on my analogies so much so that the point is missed entirely, and it feels like the person is gaslighting me. Gaslighting, if you’re unfamiliar, is a psychological method of torture whereby you get people to doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and memories. One way this is accomplished is by purposefully “missing the point” of a statement and zeroing in on the way someone has phrased something, their tone, or their misuse of a single word.
I used to make an analogy to an ex of mine that mentioned Stephen King. I have no idea what the analogy was at this point, but I think it was about needing time to be alone and write and trying to use him as an analogy, and my ex would be like, “Oh, you’re comparing yourself to Stephen King now?”
No, of course, that’s not what I was doing, but them acting as though what I was saying was unrelated to my point got me completely off track and explaining what I meant, which got me confused and them off the hook.
My analogies may sound unrelated or like I’m trying to bring up another topic at random, but that’s never the case. I’m trying to communicate to be heard and understood. There’s no hidden agenda in it.
- Talking Down
Every once in the while, and this happened a lot more when I was younger, people will think that my using an analogy is an attempt to talk down to them. Since people often use analogies and stories to help children understand things, they mistakenly believe I’m trying to talk to them “like they’re stupid”. Not at all. Again, this is just how I communicate, clarify, and connect. No hidden agenda.
- Shifting Focus
This one really baffles me, but I’ve also been told that when I use analogies from my own life when someone tells me something they’ve been through that I’m shifting the focus to myself. Not at all. Again, I’m just attempting to communicate, clarify, and connect. It isn’t about me, it’s about making sure both of us are on the same page. If we’re not, then I can’t understand you. If I can’t understand you, I can’t really connect with you. If I can’t connect with you or your story, I can’t empathize with you, and that’s what I’m trying to do and what I think you would want when sharing something about your life.
(Article continues below.)
The best way to improve communication with your autistic loved one is to understand how your autistic loved one’s mind works! Intentions, motivations, and personal expressions (facial expressions or lack thereof, body language, etc.), are often quite different in autistic people than they are in neurotypical people.
Experience a better understanding of your autistic loved one by reading books about life from an autistic perspective as well as stories that feature autistic characters. You’ll have so many “Ah ha!” moments and start seeing your autistic loved one in a different light (and you’ll have a better understanding of their behaviors, which you may have been misinterpreting up until now).
Books I recommend for a better understanding of your autistic loved one:
The Takeaway
I use analogies to communicate, clarify, and connect.
Very likely, the autistic or otherwise neurodivergent person in your life is doing the exact same thing when they use analogies, but the intention of those analogies may be misinterpreted and therefore dismissed or discouraged.
If my ability to use analogies were taken away from me tomorrow, I would lose 80 percent of my ability to communicate with neurotypical people. It would have just literal language, and that’s it, and that, to me, is terrifying. You might as well cut out my tongue and cut off my hands. I would be hobbled.
And that analogy, as graphic as it is, is the only way I can communicate the horror of what that would feel like for me.
If your ND loved one is using analogies, don’t stifle it, encourage it, and USE THEM BACK. For many of us, analogies not only help us to communicate better, they help us to understand better.
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YES! THANK YOU! *excited hand flapping* This is so important because analogies are one of my only ways of explaining.
About the wheelchair analogy:
People see being visibly disabled as a huge thing and see neurodivergent traits as fake or something you should “work harder to overcome.” So when you compare the two by saying that you, an autistic, have a similar problem to a visibly disabled person, some people will think you are exaggerating your problem in order to get their sympathy and escape the criticism or awkward social situation you were facing for not understanding sarcasm. It looks to them like comparing yourself to “poor, tragic wheelchair users” is crocodile tears and something you are doing for selfish personal gain.
They then are upset that you are “using the struggles of wheelchair users for selfish personal gain” and feel like you are disrespecting them.
Yay! I’m so glad it resonated with you!
Excellent explanation. I have fallen foul of this kind of analogy too and was so upset by the reaction I could not continue the very important (to me) conversation. Feels stupid to say but years on I still believe my analogy was exactly right… but the reaction make me try to communicate without analogies only to get told I don’t make sense… left me lost for words.
Wow. You understand me! I have the same reactions from people when I use analogies. It’s a baseline for understanding the topic. If someone says, “No, it’s not exactly like that,” then I have enough of a ground work for understanding and can work the differences into my baseline. I have noticed that analogies to events in movies are more universally understood and accepted. So, I try to stick with those.
For the record, I don’t understand why your wheelchair analogy is considered insensitive. 🤔
Thank you for sharing this!
I DO understand you. lol! It’s wonderful when us neurodivergents can validate each other’s experiences, isn’t it?
Thank you! This is exactly how I feel! I’ve been accused of talking down to people so often when I use analogies, but that isn’t what I’m doing at all. I just want to make sure we both understand the same thing. Thank you for writing this!
Absolutely! I understand completely. That’s what I’m trying to do, as well.
I’ve been told my use of analogies is aligned with White supremacy culture because the analogies I use are culturally specific. Which they are because I have exposure to a limited number of cultures at a level deep enough to draw from for the purpose of analogies. Unfortunately, analogies are the only way I seem to be able to communicate with NTs that they understand and respect. I’m so effing tired…
I love your blog. I just found it this morning and am trying to enthusiastically read everything. However I am running into an accessibility issue? Whenever I try to open links in new tabs, or when I try to highlight text to keep my eyes’ place on a long page, the site pops up a red warning and prevents me. I do not understand it says something about content protection. Is there an accessiblity tool for allowing me to read comfortably without right clicking? I depend on this on desktop reading.
OMG. I feel SEEEEEEEN
I don’t know whether I’m ND or not, but when I read things like this, I suspect that I might be. And not knowing is just fine with me.
I’ve always been shy, reserved, quiet and everything that goes with that, the geek, the computer nerd, not having a girlfriend for ages. Lol.
Now I’m happily married with two wonderful daughters… and I manage people, of all things, and I’m really enjoying it. Something I never would have thought possible 10 years ago. Sure, I’ve been a team lead on more than a few occasions and done it well but that’s more technical than people management.
Why do I tell you all this? Because, for me, the key to real communication is in listening, really listening, to a person before responding (and sometimes not responding if that’s appropriate), and then framing my response in a way that I believe they would most understand. It takes a lot of effort, but it’s worth it.
And for written communication, reading my responses 2,3,4 times and correcting before pushing send.
Thanks for your comment. It sounds like you do a LOT of masking, but I fully understand. When I was in the corporate world, I did the same thing. It’s the only way to survive until neurodivergence is better understood.
I completely identify with this article!
NT people always seem to think I’m “going too far” or “over-explaining” when I use analogies. I usually use them if I think they need something explained in a different way…I’m trying to help them! But now I think it’s that I’m misreading their facial expression. I always thought people weren’t responding to my explanation, so I would use an analogy. Then they would look uncomfortable and interrupt me to say, “Yeah, okay, I get it. I’m not stupid.” Or something to that effect. Then I would be confused and hurt….
Now I wish someone, an NT person, would have taken the time to explain that to me. Instead of my learning it much later, having suppressed my natural instinct for so long I now hardly ever use analogies.