Why Your Autistic Child Laughs When You’re Angry (And Other “Inappropriate” Emotional Responses)
If you are the parent of an autistic or otherwise neurodiverse child, you may have felt laughed at and completely disregarded by them, and this may have caused you to become angry, punish them, ground them, accuse them of being disrespectful, etc.
Let me offer you another perspective on this.
Could your child be being disrespectful? Maybe. Could it be something else entirely? Most likely.
When I was a child, teen, and young adult, I would get in SO much trouble for having what was deemed “inappropriate” emotional responses to facial expressions.
I can only speak for myself in this case, but some angry faces (not all) looked entirely exaggerated and comical to me.
It was like watching a clown pull a face to purposefully make me laugh. I didn’t take it seriously because I truly believed the person was kidding around!
One, my angry face looks different from what I’ve seen from most others. Two, I wasn’t able to connect my behavior to their response, so I certainly didn’t expect anger, so, for me, it came out of nowhere…so, it had to be some sort of joke, right?
It was all very puzzling and traumatic for me considering how I was treated for laughing at an angry expression.
Also, autistic adults and children alike often have “inappropriate” emotional responses to facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language because we’re often taking a stab in the dark (guessing) as to what they mean, especially if we’ve never encountered a certain set of circumstances before.
But, see, it’s often not the “inappropriate” autistic response that causes a major meltdown or otherwise traumatizing situation; it’s the neurotypical person’s mistaken belief that that behavior is malicious PLUS the accompanying response to said belief that does the most damage.
Tip for the next time this happens: Be vocal about your feelings and explain why you are feeling that way. Be very specific.
For example, “I’m angry right now because you took your little brother’s stuffed animal away from him. He loves that little toy elephant like you love model airplanes, and he feels lost without it. It really hurts his feelings.”
Your child may surprise you and say, “Well, his plastic eye was falling off, Mommy, and I didn’t want him to swallow it, so I was bringing it to you to fix.”
Or, if your child is non-verbal, they may just repeatedly point at the eye that’s falling out while murmuring in distress.
Imagine if your angry face made your autistic child laugh or have another response you deemed offensive, and it caused you to lash out before you fully understood the situation? Can you imagine the trauma and confusion your autistic child would face since they were actually doing a very good and responsible thing?
Always ask. Always explain. Give the benefit of the doubt.
If you’re too emotional at that moment, ensure the immediate safety of everyone involved, and walk away until you feel calmer.
The best way to improve communication with your autistic loved one is to understand how your autistic loved one’s mind works! Intentions, motivations, and personal expressions (facial expressions or lack thereof, body language, etc.), are often quite different in autistic people than they are in neurotypical people.
Experience a better understanding of your autistic loved one by reading books about life from an autistic perspective as well as stories that feature autistic characters. You’ll have so many “Ah ha!” moments and start seeing your autistic loved one in a different light (and you’ll have a better understanding of their behaviors, which you may have been misinterpreting up until now).
Books I recommend for a better understanding of your autistic loved one:
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