The Real Reason Autistic People Struggle With Household Chores
Neurotypicals who live with autistics, have you ever wondered why a sinkful of dishes just hangs out for days? Have you ever gotten irritated because unfolded laundry will stay that way for a week on the bottom stair landing? Have you scratched your head at the dust and dirt all over the kitchen floor that STILL hasn’t been swept?
You don’t get it. There are chores to be done, there are unpleasant SMELLS in the house, yet you seem to get no help at all! Why?
You’re not specifically asking for it.
Someone commented on one of my posts the other day about something I’d never heard before. She called it, “autonomous initiative”. There’s no dictionary definition for it, but from putting the two words together, it seems to mean, “the ability to see a task that needs doing on your own and then doing said task without any prompting”.
Most of us can’t do that. We don’t have autonomous initiative.
This could be for several reasons:
1) It’s not a part of our routine, so it doesn’t exist other than background noise, if you will.
2) We may see the dishes, the laundry, the dirt, etc., but those things do not trigger any type of response other than a passing notice (if that).
3) Something has always been done for us, and now that we are a certain age, you think we should be taking on the responsibility ourselves, but nobody told us.
Again, unless we are given explicit instructions and told to do something, it will not even enter our minds to do it. The thought simply doesn’t form.
(Apparently, neurotypical people just know what to do in these situations…which fascinates me, by the way.)
Autistics do not.
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The best way to improve communication with your autistic loved one is to understand how your autistic loved one’s mind works! Intentions, motivations, and personal expressions (facial expressions or lack thereof, body language, etc.), are often quite different in autistic people than they are in neurotypical people.
Experience a better understanding of your autistic loved one by reading books about life from an autistic perspective as well as stories that feature autistic characters. You’ll have so many “Ah ha!” moments and start seeing your autistic loved one in a different light (and you’ll have a better understanding of their behaviors, which you may have been misinterpreting up until now).
Books I recommend for a better understanding of your autistic loved one:
Now, having said that, household chores can become a part of our routine, and we will do them the way we are taught and according to our ability with little to no variation.
We can make lists, set reminders, or just do certain chores on certain days. As our loved ones, it will not always be necessary to stand over us forever to do tell us to do something once it becomes a part of our routine. We’ll usually just do it.
However, and this is very important, as soon as the environment changes, our ability to take initiative disappears.
For example, if we’re at home, we may know the dishes get done every night after supper and the trash goes to the curb on Wednesday nights (I still have a reminder on my own phone for that, and I’ve been living in the same place for over 3 years). However, if we are anywhere else; grandma’s house, a party next door, an event, etc., if there’s something that needs to be done, we will NOT have the faintest clue what that is unless we are told.
And if we panic and just do something to do it, we will more than likely cause more challenges than we fix because we can’t “read the room” and figure out exactly what to do.
Are you looking for more help on communicating effectively with your autistic loved one? Click on the photo below to learn more about the importance of being specific when asking us to do something.
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As the parent of 2 autistic teens I was glad to read this post. It may help me with the help of the recommended reading I might be able to get some cooperation. 1is ADHD and the other is ADD w/ some brain damage. So imagine exact opposites in puberty. I think I need a miracle.
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When I get “read the room” comments, I ask them if they would say that to a blind person when they trip over furniture. They know how to dodge the furniture in their own hones, why not in someone else’s? Furniture is furniture, right? Chores are chores, right?
That’s brilliant! I love that!
Any tips on handling the guilt when the comments come up? I want to help I just don’t understand when it’s needed and therefore my mom is constantly telling me I’m lazy and I let it get me spiraling☹️
Jaklyn, I’m sorry that’s happening. You can’t help having executive function challenges. I’d be happy to help mediate and explain things to your mom, if you’d like. I offer consultations.
I love all the psycho babble excuses. “Executive function challenges” is a great excuse for idle, superiority complex, egocentric shirkers. ‘We don’t realise, it’s your fault because you should tell us.’ I would tell my autistic 13-year-old many, many times but would always have to get heavy with him for him to do it. It would take him forty lazy minutes to about 65% of it and it would all need doing again because it was only half-washed. He only had to wash up once a day at the weekend; I did it all in the week. He never changed and his stubborn ASD plan was to always make me work hard for a lousy effort at a small chore so that I would ‘learn’ that it was easier to do it myself and leave him alone to play with his phone. The problem is that most ASD are effectively sociopaths with some spatial talents. Stop making excuses. I would have rather had a neurotypical child with no legs than this tiresome, selfish incorrigible and exhausting nightmare. ‘Aspie acceptance’ has to stop.
YOUR POOR CHILD!! I’d try to explain some of this stuff for you, but you seem committed to seeing being autistic as being sociopathic, which, by the way, are literally the complete opposite of each other. Damn!
Thank you. I came on here looking for ways to help my son overcome a really bad spell of Autistic burn-out. When I read that guys hateful comment, I just busted out crying. I have three very successful Sons, including my Spectrum son. Because he was non-verbal first four years of life, I decided to homeschool my boys. In the early 90’s there wasn’t much information but I managed to study and research my way through all the unknown and can see now my own successes as well as flaws. I always tried (and still do) to work really hard a raising my Sons to be highly functioning, faithful Christian, manly, hard working well rounded men that could reach their highest potential. I often questioned my own approach and was my own worst critic. There were times I felt like I had to defend my actions and my Autistic Son against hateful comments like that mean guy. Questioning constantly if I was being too hard on them or being too soft. Sometimes from my own family. Granted, I do know full well that the struggle to maintain your own life path while caring for an adult Autistic child can be very difficult at times, and it is important to vent and reach out for help, but damn that cruelness was a whole new low. I am fortunate that I have three Sons who all obtained very lucrative careers. My neurotypical sons as well as my neurodivergent son all have done well BUT, like everyone, we all have issues from time to time. One went through a terrible divorce that drug use all through the mud, another was injured in military service who needs added help, and one needs help navigating a neurotypical World. In short, typical or atypical, we all need the love and support of our loved ones. This persons sickening statement wishing he had a physically disabled child over a neurodivergent one shows a lack of understanding for human differences and also shows he doesn’t have a clue how difficult it is to care for an injured or physically handicapped child either.
Now how do I get my autistic brother in law to help clean up the house? It’s been 12 years living with him, and he rarely cleans anything unless I blow up, he is almost 40 and pees in bottles in his room to leave it there for weeks. I am at my wits end, I ended up doing 14, YES 14 loads of laundry one weekend of his dirty clothes he had left in his room to re-wear over and over because of the smell! He won’t listen to me or my husband as he doesn’t see an issue with how he lives, but he lives in the basement of our house so I have to deal with the smell and messes.
That sounds really frustrating and annoying. The first thing I would do would be to try to figure out what is causing him to not leave the basement at all, even to go the bathroom. Do you often get into arguments when he finally emerges from this cave? Is he silently glared at? This may send him scurrying back to his basement room in a hurry. (Not saying you’re doing anything to trigger him on purpose, but this could be one cause.)
You say you have to “blow up” at him, or he won’t do his chores. It sounds like he may be prompt dependent and fear-motivated. You might not be trying to scare him, but that may be how he takes it. When you’re that angry, you’re being very direct, and he’s able to understand what he needs to do. If you’re hinting at him or only making subtle requests, he may not be picking up on your hints, even though they seem perfectly obvious to you.
Do you think he would do well with a visual reminder of his responsibilities? He may be overwhelmed and lack the executive function to start them on his own. Also, breaking down the chores into steps may be helpful as it can be difficult for someone with executive dysfunction to take on a task because for them, it’s not just one tasks, it’s 50 little ones. I’m sorry you had to wash 14 loads of laundry. That is a LOT! I hope some of this helps.
If you want, you can always send me an email at: thearticulateautistic@gmail.com. Just put “my brother” in the subject line.