5 Acts of Kindness Autistic People Show That Make Neurotypical People Uncomfortable
I’m in the process of writing my third book, Why Neurotypical People Are Always Mad at You – An Essential Guide for Autistics. This guide aims to help autistic people better understand the neurotypical way of thinking and why they react to us the way they do.
Coming in 2027
Here are 5 acts of kindness autistic people show that make neurotypical people uncomfortable:
Solving problems
When a neurotypical person talks to you about their everyday woes or even a more serious problem, most of the time, they’re venting. They need to get their emotions out and share the burden with someone else, and that makes them feel better.
Another neurotypical person would usually respond by listening to them vent, offering words of compassion and encouragement, and move on. For them, this is an act of kindness because it makes the struggling neurotypical person feel heard.
For many autistic people, the way we show kindness is overwhelming and even insulting to the neurotypical person because, instead of just listening and offering words of encouragement, which they’re used to, we jump in immediately to try to solve the person’s problems. We do this because we don’t want the person to suffer anymore and also be a part of easing that suffering.
The reason this makes neurotypical people uncomfortable:
Someone offering rapid-fire solutions to another person going through a rough time might be overwhelming and also feel too personal, especially if you’re not very close to the person. Furthermore, solutions without emotional acknowledgement can make the neurotypical person feel unheard and uncared for.
The reason this makes neurotypical people feel insulted:
Oftentimes, when autistic people give solutions to a neurotypical person with the intention of being kind, it can come across as if the autistic person is implying that they are not able to solve their own problems. It also feels to them that you’re calling them incompetent or insinuating that they haven’t already thought of the solutions you’re offering.
Giving gifts
It’s important to note that not all gift-giving makes neurotypical people uncomfortable. Instead, it depends on the source and reason for the gift. For example, if you give a gift to your neurotypical aunt during the holidays, she’ll likely be happy and grateful. The same goes for your best friend receiving a gift from you on their birthday.
But here is where we autistics get into trouble with gift-giving:
- There is no occasion
- They hardly know the person
- The person actively dislikes them
What many neurotypical people think when they are given a gift in this way:
- “What does this person want from me?”
- “Do I have to get them something now?”
- “Why would a virtual stranger buy something for me?”
- “Are they trying to buy my friendship?”
- “Are they going to start stalking me??”
As autistic people, we may not see gift-giving as transactional. However, many neurotypical people can feel overwhelmed, uncomfortable, and maybe even scared by this.
As autistic people, we may not see gift-giving as transactional. However, many neurotypical people can feel overwhelmed, uncomfortable, and maybe even scared by this.
Jaime A. Heidel – The Articulate Autistic
Yes, scared.
Let’s say an autistic male acquaintance buys a gift for a woman because he’s overheard her talking about the item. Even though the intention is innocent, this will immediately make most neurotypical women think the man is trying to buy a date with them or more. (The same goes for anyone of any gender buying a present out of the blue for someone who isn’t a close friend or family member, especially when there’s no occasion–and even then, it can still get hairy.)
Dumping information
For many autistic people, infodumping is a love language. When we’re excited and happy about a topic, sharing it is like sharing a piece of our heart. We offer this out of kindness and a desire to connect, and with our fellow neurodivergents, this approach is usually met with curiosity, interest, and care.
For neurotypical people, however, hearing someone talk about their favorite thing for too long can make them uncomfortable. Part of the reason for this is that neurotypical people do not want to be perceived as rude, so they may continue to listen to the monologue even though they lost interest ages ago.
As the neurotypical person continues to stand there, they become more and more uncomfortable and frustrated when the autistic person appears to be “ignoring” their signs of disinterest, such as frequently checking the time, sighing, looking around as if for an escape, turning their bodies away, or saying, “That’s crazy” or the like over and over again.
We’re not reading their body language, so we keep going, but this makes them further believe we’re not trying to connect with them but instead, are just obsessed with hearing ourselves talk.
The neurotypical person may also feel like they’re nothing more than a giant ear for the autistic person, and that the autistic person could give two cents about their feelings and experiences.
The neurotypical person may also feel like they’re nothing more than a giant ear for the autistic person, and that the autistic person could give two cents about their feelings and experiences.
Jaime A. Heidel – The Articulate Autistic
Infodumping can also cause overwhelm and exhaustion in the neurotypical listener.
Interrupting with similar stories
One of the most common ways autistic people show kindness and care is through sharing similar stories about their own experiences when others share theirs. To us, being vulnerable and sharing these pieces of ourselves is a way to bond with the other person by letting them know, in no uncertain terms, that we understand them and share their pain, and that they are not alone.
Unfortunately, our act of kindness does not land the same way for neurotypical people, and, just like us, this is due to a difference in brain wiring.
When a neurotypical person shares something about what’s going on in their lives, and the autistic person immediately interrupts with a similar story about themselves, they don’t feel heard; they feel the autistic person doesn’t care about them and only wants to turn the conversation around to themselves.
Sharing too much detail right away
Bonding for neurodivergent people looks very different from bonding between neurotypical people. While neurotypical people start off a friendship slowly with small talk, casual get-togethers, and surface-level conversations, neurodivergent people are often the opposite.
For example, I met a fellow neurodivergent woman at the laundromat a few months ago, and we didn’t know each other at all and yet, within a few minutes of meeting, we immediately dived straight into the depths of who we were and what we’ve experienced in our lives with no preamble.
Neurotypical people often receive someone immediately sharing intimate details about themselves as trauma-dumping. It’s overwhelming to the neurotypical person and takes them aback. It can also make the autistic person look suspicious in their eyes, as though they’re trying to force closeness for nefarious reasons.
The Takeaway
Certain acts of kindness shown by autistic people can make neurotypical people feel uncomfortable. Neither is doing anything “wrong”, but since our brains are wired so differently, we often misunderstand each other’s needs and intentions.
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