Your Autistic Loved One Is Probably Not “Doing It on Purpose”
In this article, I’d like to talk about actions that are taken as purposefully malicious (or maybe just mischievous) by non-autistic people that have absolutely no ulterior motives whatsoever.
Here’s a list:
Action: Stimming.
Non-autistic interpretation: Doing it for attention.
Autistic intent: Emotional regulation and/or indication of distress.
Action: Sighing.
Non-autistic interpretation: Rudeness, boredom, or disinterest.
Autistic intent: Emotional regulation and trying to achieve homeostasis in the brain.
Action: Meltdown.
Non-autistic interpretation: Being manipulative to get what they want.
Autistic intent: Release the incredible anxious tension after holding back a volcano of it for hours. Also, there is no “intent” here. This is a neurological event that can no more be stopped midway than a seizure.
Action: Wearing earbuds or ear defenders.
Non-autistic interpretation: Rudeness, snobbishness, disinterest.
Autistic intent: Stop the overwhelmingly loud noises.
Action: Repeating words.
Non-autistic interpretation: Doing it to annoy others.
Autistic intent: To self-soothe, regulate emotions, process verbal instructions, and learn how to communicate verbally.
Action: Dropping, walking into, or breaking something.
Non-autistic interpretation: Blatant disregard for the property of others.
Autistic intent: Poor proprioception, balance, and coordination, which are all completely uncontrollable.
Action: Being blunt. For example, “Do you like my new perfume?” “No, Carol. It’s too strong.”
Non-autistic interpretation: Carelessness about Carol’s feelings and a purposeful dig at her as a person.
Autistic intent: They answered the question honestly.
Action: Forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
Non-autistic interpretation: Selfishness.
Autistic intent: There is no intent. Many of us have terrible memories, especially those of us with comorbid ADHD.
Action: Forgetting a face.
Non-autistic interpretation: Selfishness, not caring about the person.
Autistic intent: There is no intent. Many of us have face blindness.
Learn more about your autistic loved one’s intentions, communication style, and learning style by picking up a copy of my book, What Did I Do Wrong?: An Accessible Guide to Preventing Traumatic Misunderstandings Between You and Your Autistic Loved One
