Why Many Autistic People Have Trouble Apologizing
Those are two words that are NOT easy for some autistic people to say, but it’s not for the reasons you may believe.
Let me use myself as an example:
When I was a child, I was “in trouble” so many times for doing something, saying something, not saying something, having a certain look on my face, etc. that I became cynical and distrustful at a very early age.– Jaime A. Heidel
I thought the neurotypical people around me were just inventing things to upset me, gaslight me, and control me. I also thought they were completely off their rocker. I mean, bonkers!
I honestly and truly believed that the entire world was unhinged and I was the only sane one around.
It took me until my early-to-mid twenties to even have a concept that I was actually causing (albeit, unintentionally) people to react to me the way they did.
This is where the words, “I’m sorry” come in. I was told to apologize for my behavior constantly as a child, teen, and young adult, and I flatly and vehemently refused to do so until I understood exactly WHY I was apologizing.
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The best way to improve communication with your autistic loved one is to understand how your autistic loved one’s mind works! Intentions, motivations, and personal expressions (facial expressions or lack thereof, body language, etc.), are often quite different in autistic people than they are in neurotypical people.
Experience a better understanding of your autistic loved one by reading books about life from an autistic perspective as well as stories that feature autistic characters. You’ll have so many “Ah ha!” moments and start seeing your autistic loved one in a different light (and you’ll have a better understanding of their behaviors, which you may have been misinterpreting up until now).
Books I recommend for a better understanding of your autistic loved one:
I would defend my view of things for HOURS at a clip, refusing to do anything else until I had:
1) Absolutely proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had not intended to cause any offense and had NO idea what they were talking about.
2) Learned why something I said or did was wrong.
To me, apologizing was an admission of guilt; purposeful and willful and even gleeful wrongdoing, in fact. It was me telling them, “You caught me. I’m a horrible person.”
That’s why I rarely apologized. Also, I didn’t understand what I did wrong, so, in my mind, if I apologized, it would just be empty words because I didn’t know what I was apologizing for to begin with!
How could I tell someone I was sorry if I was most likely going to turn around and do the exact same thing again 2 minutes later? Then, I would only be in MORE trouble, and people would think I was a hypocrite, too!
That would just make me look evil, as though I slapped someone, apologized, and slapped them again with a maniacal grin on my face.
I also couldn’t apologize because it was a falsehood, like saying words in a language I didn’t understand and just pretending that I did.
I mean, the words made sense, but WHY was I saying it? I didn’t (in my mind) do anything wrong!
I learned only about 4 or 5 years ago that one can apologize for causing offense even it wasn’t intended because apologizing isn’t an admission of guilt, it’s a way to acknowledge someone’s feelings.
After all, if I bumped into someone and knocked them down, I would have never, at any age, even HESITATED to apologize to them!
That was an easy cause-and-effect concept to put together in my mind, but when it came to me not understanding what offense I caused or even believing it was real (remember, I thought people were just making this stuff up because I couldn’t connect my behavior to their reactions), I could not apologize.
People accused me of being “afraid to be wrong” or, when I tried to understand why I was supposed to apologize by asking questions, they told me I was “making it all about me” and they shouldn’t have to console ME for upsetting THEM (because I would be in tears at this point).
I am not in any way a malicious person. I don’t even think to hurt people on purpose. It doesn’t enter my mind. In self-defense, yes? Just for the heck of it? No, and I can’t imagine it.
So, to be accused of being a horrible person and having wicked motivations my entire life when I’m the exact opposite and always have been was more confusing and painful than I could ever put into words.
I didn’t apologize not because I didn’t care or I thought I was right or that other people didn’t matter, I didn’t understand why I was supposed to apologize. I didn’t even know anything had happened!
I do understand now, but it’s still not easy to say, “I’m sorry” if I don’t know why, but since I know the feeling of remorse for hurting someone’s feelings is real, I can say those words and not feel like I’m lying anymore, which helps.
I will still ask for explanations, but I at least know enough to let the person calm down first.
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