5 Things Neurotypical People Say and What They Really Mean
I’m currently working on a new book called, Why Neurotypical People Are Always Mad at You – An Essential Guide for Autistics, and I’d like to share some of the topics I’ll be covering in this new guide.
For autistic people, the neurotypical thought process is often baffling (and vice versa). We have trouble understanding each other due to what is called the “Double Empathy Problem”.
In this article, I address five things neurotypical people say and what they really mean.
- “Are you hungry?”
How the autistic person takes it: “Do you, personally, feel hunger right now?”
What the neurotypical person means: “I’m hungry, and I would like to get something to eat. I’m asking you to join me for a meal.”
- “Geez, it’s cold in here!”
How the autistic person takes it: “The temperature in my house is cold.”
What the neurotypical person means: “Please turn on the heat.”
- “The dishwasher is done.”
How the autistic person takes it: “The dishwasher has completed its cycle.”
What the neurotypical person means: “Please put the dishes away.”
- “Ugh! The trash really smells!”
How the autistic person takes it: “The trash has an unfortunate odor.”
What the neurotypical person means: “Please take out the trash.”
- “Do the dishes.”
How the autistic person takes it: “Wash the dishes.”
What the neurotypical person means: “Wash the dishes, clean any dregs of food out of the sink, wipe down the counters, and give the floor a once-over with a mop.” *
* The meaning of “do the dishes” can vary from person to person, household to household, and culture to culture. Sometimes, it’s best to just ask (even though clarifying questions can be annoying to neurotypical people).
Requests vs Statements of Fact
When a neurotypical person uses one of these phrases, they’re usually making an indirect request. The autistic person, however, takes what they’re saying as statements of fact because they take words at face value.
“You are informing me of this. OK.”
Why Do Neurotypical People Do This?
For most neurotypical people, asking someone for help directly is as uncomfortable to them as overhead lights and sudden, loud noises are to us. It’s painful.
It’s ingrained into the very fiber of their being that to be direct is to be rude and unempathetic, so they make these statements hoping the hidden request will be fulfilled.*
* Caveat: In some cultures, being literal and direct is seen as positive, not rude. In fact, some cultures see indirect communication as passive-aggressive and manipulative.
When autistic people don’t pick up on these hints (because our brains are wired that way), the neurotypical person dropping said hints feels purposefully ignored and disregarded.
Managing Neurotypical Requests
Many neurotypical people feel that hinting is softer and safer.
As an autistic person, there’s a way you can manage this without appearing rude to them.
Example:
NT: “The trash smells.”
ND: “I can take it out for you.”
This way, even though you’re not directly picking up on the hint itself, you’ll know from reading this that the statement may be, in fact, a subtle request.
Then you can offer to see if that’s what they really want instead of just getting up and doing it. Not every statement is a hidden request and by offering, they’ll probably let you know what they mean. For example, they may tell you the trash smells because it’s annoying them, but their teenage son is the one expected to take it out.
Simply fulfilling the implied request can feel dangerous to many autistic people because some neurotypical people do make direct statements that aren’t asking for help at all, which can cause arguments.
Example:
NT: “I lost my favorite necklace at the concert last night.”
There’s nothing you can do or are being asked to do here because the incident already happened, there’s no way to help them find it, and the person is just venting and looking to commiserate.*
* Avoid telling the neurotypical person how you once lost your favorite object, as they’ll think you’re turning the conversation back around to yourself. Just listen and respond with something like, “Oh, I’m sorry! Was it special to you?”
Learning what neurotypical people want and then adjusting can help smooth over confusing and sometimes volatile interactions while introducing the possibility of peace on both sides.
