Common Autistic Behaviors Mistaken for Lying, Deception, and Manipulation
Do you feel your autistic loved one is lying to you? Many common autistic behaviors are mistaken for lying, deception, and manipulation.
A lifetime of not being believed or taken seriously can have serious mental health consequences for the autistic person, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Below are some common autistic traits that may seem like signs of lying when they’re not.
Lengthy explanations
For autistic people, lengthy and detailed explanations are how we convey the truth!
Part of this is due to bottom-up thinking.
Autistic people begin with details and work their way up to the full picture, which is why they include so many of those details during explanations.
They may not realize you don’t think the same way; therefore, they give you details so you can form a complete picture in your head and have the full story from start to finish.
Neurotypical people often confuse lengthy explanations from autistic people as signs of lying or deception because neurotypical people have a top-down thinking style.
Neurotypical people start with the big picture and glean the details from there. Therefore, they only need the “highlights” of the story.
Your autistic loved one is likely not aware of this.
Gaze aversion
Avoiding eye contact, looking at the ground, or darting the eyes can look like signs of lying.
However, for the autistic person, direct eye contact is deeply uncomfortable and often prevents them from understanding what they’re being accused of and producing the words necessary to defend themselves.
Many of us also fear being perceived. When someone is looking directly at us, or we at them, it compounds our discomfort. Avoiding eye contact or looking away helps the autistic brain reduce that mental load, so they can more accurately explain what happened.
Defending themselves
Another sign of deception, to the neurotypical eye, is defending ourselves. We’re accused of something, we look away, and we immediately and often passionately defend ourselves against the accusation.
These actions, according to neurotypical people, often ‘prove’ the autistic person is lying.
But that’s not what’s happening.
Being accused of doing something we didn’t do causes our nervous system to immediately go into fight-or-flight.
Being accused of doing something we didn’t do causes our nervous system to immediately go into fight-or-flight.
Jaime A. Heidel – The Articulate Autistic
Our brains tell us we are in immediate danger. To prevent what we perceive as impending harm, we defend ourselves as though it means our life. This is not deflection or blame-shifting; this (in our minds) is a fight to the death.
Furthermore, many autistic people are highly justice-oriented. If they’re accused of something they didn’t do, the automatic response is how unfair the accusation is, and they immediately defend themselves to try to set the record straight.
The reason this comes across as lying, deception, or even manipulation is because of the fight-or-flight and the lack of realization that apologies are expected first.
For them, apologizing feels like an admission of guilt where there is none.
For me, the thought of intent versus impact didn’t even register until I was in my 30s. Your autistic loved one may also be unaware of this.
Emotionally-charged responses
Similar to defending ourselves vehemently, many autistic people have highly charged emotional responses when facing an accusation.
Neurotypical people often come into the argument as though the autistic person knows full well what they’ve done. The autistic person, however, is completely taken aback that they’re being accused of something.
This shock to the nervous system can result in an immediate meltdown where the autistic person simultaneously tries to defend themselves while crying, sobbing, screaming, etc.
These responses are often mistaken for manipulation when they are, in fact, genuine emotional responses to being accused of something. They don’t know what’s going on. This all came out of the blue, and it’s incredibly distressing.
Repetitive body movements
Repetitive body movements such as stimming and gestures like hugging themselves, rubbing their arms, or wiping sweat off of their palms may look like signs of lying.
For the autistic person, however, these gestures are self-soothing and prevent or delay a meltdown as the accusations fly.
These are signs of distress, not deception.
Literal interpretation of figurative language
Oftentimes, when an autistic person responds to accusations, they may take questions from the offended party literally and have the ‘wrong’ responses, which further cements their ‘guilt’.
This is due to a common autistic trait of taking words literally.
When someone points out what seems like a discrepancy in their story due to literal thinking, it can feel like gaslighting to the autistic person, which may result in a meltdown.
Poor reciprocity
During the conflict, the autistic person may shut down due to sensory and mental overwhelm. This can cause them to appear disconnected and unfazed by their unintended emotional impact.
Furthermore, they may not respond to statements, only questions, because statements don’t read as something to respond to, and this can appear as a sign of lying, as well.
Flat affect
Many autistic people have what is known as a flat affect. This means our facial expressions often remain neutral even though the situation is emotionally charged.
This can appear as if the autistic person couldn’t care less and is even bored with the conversation, even though, on the inside, they are experiencing incredible turmoil.
Avoid Accusations and Ask Instead
One of the best ways to approach an autistic person about conduct is to ask, not accuse.
Remember, for them, the disagreement didn’t start with your subtle hints; it started when you accused them ‘out of nowhere’.
This can be terrifying for the autistic person.
Remember, for them, the disagreement doesn’t start with your subtle hints; it starts when someone starts accusing and yelling, and it comes ‘out of nowhere’.
Remember, for them, the disagreement doesn’t start with your subtle hints; it starts when someone starts accusing and yelling, and it comes ‘out of nowhere’.
Jaime A. Heidel – The Articulate Autistic
Instead of responding with an accusation, tell the autistic person what happened (never skip this step), how you interpreted what happened, and ask what their intentions were.
You may be shocked to find out how differently you both see the same situation!
The Takeaway
Many autistic people are accused of lying, deception, and manipulation when that is the opposite of their intent.
Below is a quote from a study published in PubMedCentral called Autistic Adults May Be Erroneously Perceived as Deceptive and Lacking Credibility.
“Therefore, when these, or other autistic behaviors, are displayed, there is an incongruence between the observer’s expectations and the individual’s behavior, leading the observer to search for possible explanations for the behavior such as deception and low credibility.”
Being accused of being deceptive when we’re not plagues us throughout our lives. As I mentioned, this often leads to PTSD.
Ignore what you think are signs of lying from your autistic loved one, and ask instead. Get their perspective on the situation. This approach can help avoid meltdowns and trauma before they start.
Learn more about your autistic loved one’s traits, intentions, and communication style by picking up your copy of my book linked below.
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